Update, 6 July 2009:

So far through donations an amazing $2402 has been raised for my weight loss surgery. I am so grateful for all the donations that people have made and every dollar has helped, because I know that it came attached with good will and that is so encouraging to me.

In the meantime, while I am working toward putting more money away, I have decided to try to lose weight through Weight Watchers again. It seems it will still be a while before I can earn enough money to have the surgery, but I will continue to work toward that and also try to lose weight with this program. I need to do something, you know? My back continues to be a problem and I have to not just allow myself to depend on a "someday" vision of the help that this surgery will afford me.

Because I believe that Weight Watchers will help me toward the same cause, and because I am strapped financially in my last year of school, after a lot of thought I have decided to use money from the weight loss surgery account for the subscription fees for Weight Watchers. I have purchased the lowest-cost program, which is $55 for three months. This will give me access to tracking tools for food, exercise, and weight, and will also provide access to healthy recipes and a support system through their message boards. WW has really updated their site, too, and now includes a space to blog about my weight loss as well. I feel this is a good investment and hope that I do not disappoint anyone who has contributed to my fund.

Please continue to keep me in your thoughts. I will write once in a while about my successes, and likely about my struggles, as well, under separate cover of a weight-loss filter. If you would like to be on my friends list or on this filter, please let me know. (I've added a few of you who I know might be interested; if you don't want to be on, that's okay too.)

Thank you,
Kristin

---


I can't not do this anymore.

I have set up a site where I can accept donations to help me with the cost of weight loss surgery. My back is out AGAIN and I cannot go on like this. I need to actively plan to have this surgery. It might not fix my back completely, but it will take the constant pressure off and perhaps make the bad times fewer and further between.

Despite the way that insurance companies classify my need for this surgery, it is not cosmetic. It is a health issue that I need help to address. .

I've set up a Paypal button since I've realized that Eregistry charges YOU to donate money. If you'd prefer to use Paypal, click on this button!

You can also donate at the Eregistry page, if you'd like. Here's a link to the site. (I've added the Paypal link above because I've realized that Eregistry charges YOU to donate money, and their rates seem to be higher than Paypal's.)

If you have any questions for me about why I am doing this, please let me know. I'm in the process of writing a more extensive idea of my situation - originally I set this up for friends to use, and they very awesomely started sharing with their friends. As such a little more information might be forthcoming, I realize. But I do want to make clear that this surgery is something that I've been fighting for over the course of several years. I don't think it will be a fix-all, but I do think that it will be a tool - one that will help me to help myself, as platitude-y as that sounds.

Thank you,

Kristin

Edited to add: Thanks to the generosity and support of several friends of mine, and friends of theirs, who have posted this link in their journals, I decided to open up a few entries of my usually friends-only journal so people can understand what I'm like - not just this person asking for help, but a person with all sorts of passions about a lot of things.

I'm unspeakably grateful for the kindness of both friends (my chosen family) and strangers. Thank you.

Once again, a painting made me cry today.



Franz von Stuck, Der Abendstern (The Evening Star), 1912


The JPEG doesn't do it justice, at all. It looks so simple, here, but in person, the pink of the sunset glows, the tenderness of the kiss is so simple, and then - the star, singular in twilight and reinforced by the strength of the impasto used to paint it, virtually cuts into the sense you get of the painting.

I have long been a fan of the Frye's most recognized painting (Stuck's Sin, painted in 1893) -- heck, they use her face as an icon on Twitter. (It's also the icon I'm using, but in the interest of readability I cropped it from its insane gold-painted frame, which must be seen to be believed.) I visit it every once in a while, along with Gabriel Cornelius von Max's Botaniker (The Botanists). But truth be told I haven't been to the Frye as much as I ought. I need to change that.

The Munich Secession exhibition at the Frye ends Sunday, so I decided I'd better go see it. I almost didn't go, mainly because I have a lot of work to do, but I figured it couldn't hurt (this will be funny in a second) to take an hour to go see it. I'm glad I did. And if you're in Seattle, you should too before it goes away.

The funny part I mentioned above is not funny ha-ha, but funny "damn, this sucks" -- after I sat watching the painting for a while, I stood up to go see Nathalie Djurberg's eerie stop-motion animation in the Black Box and realized that my back was out. So much for it not hurting to go to the Frye. I do notice that my back tends to be a little more sensitive right around that certain time of the month, so I need to watch that in the future. I am home now and making some notes about the exhibition, having taken pain pills and muscle relaxants, and am going to try to get some reading done. I just hope I don't get too loopy.

Sigh.

I swear to god, Attention Deficit Disorder. Or SOMETHING. Last night I couldn't settle down to work on anything, kept doing other little useless things, alt-tabbing all over the place. Got much less accomplished than I'd planned after being derailed by the inconsideration of my boss. Bleh. Ten-week quarters aren't very forgiving about this sort of behavior. I'm not even really watching television this quarter, and surprisingly, I don't miss it. There's just too much to read on what I've got going. But I need to program my router to only work during certain times, or something.

In other news, it is a gorgeous day and the campus is bustling. I took a picture of the quad because it is just packed with people sprawled all over the grass. Love it.

Today someone was snoring so loudly in my High Renaissance Painters class that the professor heard her and said, "Is somebody snoring?" Only he was too nice to yell. I felt myself blush on behalf of both the woman and the professor. If it's any consolidation, Prof Who Won't Read This, I don't think your lectures are boring.

Dinner with Max & Rhyd tonight. I haven't seen them in months.

Sometimes a musician just exists in your life, and you know them for a long time, and they become part of the background of noise that you exist with, maybe since you were a little kid. And the songs start becoming manipulated and co-opted for advertisements for various things from minivans to television shows. And then one day, you're driving home from work, and the sun is breaking through the pink and orange clouds, and the musician's song starts playingn on the radio, and you're inspired to turn the volume way up, and you realize you are A Fan of The Musician?

I am a fan of Joe Cocker.

Finally.

ART H 206 SURV NATIVE N AM ART 5.0 4.0 20.00
ART H 373 SOUTHERN BAROQUE 5.0 3.9 19.50
RELIG 202 RELIGIONS,EASTERN 5.0 3.5 17.50

Grade Point Average 3.80

Cumulative Grade Point Average 3.67

If you have an hour, DO check this out: An Anthropological Introduction to YouTube. It was made by Dr. Michael Wesch, who teaches at Kansas State University and has made several other videos regarding technology and learning and how they interact.



I think a lot of what he's saying about the internet and Web 2.0 and community and connectivity applies to Livejournal, too. I remember the difference between having an online journal, which I made with HTML and had at my own website, and what happened to my world after I got a Livejournal. People could respond with the journal I used to have at onesandzeroes.net, but only by email. Everything changed with LJ: my friends, the way I communicated with them, the tone and breadth of my posts, all of it.

This video made me cry, but I'm emotional lately. It made me cry about the Numa Numa guy, for chrissakes.

Had an MRI this morning and then met with my neurosurgeon.

The good news: I don't have further disc herniation.

The bad news: That disc (L4-5) is pretty much fucked up due to the surgeries and ongoing degeneration disease, and I won't get any long-lasting relief from it until I take off a significant amount of weight.

The short-term plan includes a cortisone epidural injection (which I'll have Tuesday); I will also apply for a temporary disability placard to keep on hand for bad pain days. The long-term plan includes some physical therapy (if I can afford it) and more exercise, probably utilizing the pool at school. I am nervous about that, mainly because it's a bunch of college kids and then there will be me with my big white body and my big black swimsuit. But I just have to get over it, because I can't live like this anymore.

I am very emotional today. There is no reason, other than that I am extremely tired and that I am PMS-ing, and it makes me act like a petulant child, and everything threatens to spill over. I did finish a final exam essay that I was worried about, but not until about 2 am. This morning I went to the Seattle Art Museum to look at a collection George de Forest Brush's "Indian paintings" that he did in the 1880s. The exhibition presents him as one of the only White artists that worked to portray Native Americans in a sympathetic manner at that time.

I walked into a room, drawn by the small bust portraits of several men, and I turned around and saw the painting that I've put behind the cut. It is a moving picture, no doubt, but my eyes welled up and my throat tightened so fast that I thought I was going to have to run for cover of the restroom, for fear of becoming a messy blob of tears right there in the middle of the gallery.

( George de Forest Brush's -Mourning Her Brave-, 1883 )

I stayed for the gallery talk and now I am at work. I still have quite a bit of studying left to do, but by this time tomorrow I will be done with the quarter, and though I am always sad to stop studying certain things, it will be a relief. And I will immerse myself in library books. And internet teevee.

'Til then.

Various and sundry:

Aw, the Rock and Ray Lamontagne will be on SNL on my birthday (this Saturday). It's like a little birthday present! Of course, I'll be out of town, staying with a friend who refuses to watch television. Matt and I are going up to Mjark's for an overnight. It will be Matt's first visit so it should be interesting.

I found out today that my spine surgeon is covered under the insurance I get through UW. Once the quarter is over I will start jumping through all the hoops of getting a further diagnosis. If she suggests further surgery, I am going to ask for a disabled placard and help being placed with Disability Services at school and put surgery off until August. If I want to graduate on time I cannot miss any more quarters of school, including summer quarter. If I can get the parking thing situated that will make things much easier. All of my classes next quarter are in the same building, and in the summer, I'm planning on taking an intensive first-year Italian course, so that'll all be in one place as well. It will suck and it will hurt, but I have to stay on track.

I feel like I have more to say, but I don't, really. Things are . . . things. I've got a little under two weeks left of school and a lot to do in that time. Then I am gonna read the hell out of some library books.

This is the first time that I've ever answered one of these questions, but antipodes did it and I was inspired.

DVDs I would bring with me:

1. Love Actually. I know, I know, it's a cheesy rom-com, but I love it.
   
2. Harold & Maude. If anything could cheer me up on a desert island (besides a hatch to play with and maybe some Dharma mac & cheese), this would be it.
   
3. The Cockettes. This is a documentary that Mjark showed me and I absolutely love it. It would inspire me to do things with fronds the likes of which you've never SEEN.
   
4. I'm gonna go ahead and say that Special Edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. That probably counts as more than one, but if it comes in one package, it's probably okay, right?
   
5. Ditto the two new Batman/Dark Knight movies. Why so serious?

Seriously, if Republicans honestly don't have any idea that White House watermelon gardens or cartoons about shot-dead chimps related to stimulus plans are connected to historical racial stereotypes, if they really don't know and claim to be clueless --

HOW CAN THEY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THEY HAVE A GODDAMNED CLUE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE?

God, I'm sick of this bald-faced lying.

I want to go dancing. I'm not meant for it, anymore -- I've nothing to wear, and I'm too fat for the stamina it requires, but I miss the sweat and the smoke and the lights and the floor of it.

That is all.

Sometime during the holiday my back went out pretty bad. I was very stir-crazy yesterday and felt vaguely okay, so Matt and I went out to go to the grocery store and the library. I was driving and I turned down a bad street and we got stuck in the snow. An awesome Good Samaritan neighbor heard our tires spinning and drove over with his Jeep and towed us out. But in the meantime I slipped on the ice a little while trying to figure out what to do. I even made to push the car but Matt yelled at me not to, so don't blame him, heh. He's really good about watching out for me when I try to take on too much. I just felt so useless and I wanted to help. But by the time we got out of there I was in a great deal of pain.

I have six pain pills left and no muscle relaxants so I've been taking it verrrry easy. Refilling my meds might prove rather difficult as I have to go through the campus pharmacy and it's going to take a phone call to my surgeon. Hopefully it won't be a hassle. If I can get out from under the pain I might be able to stretch my way out of this one.

I'm really concerned though because the pain is shooting down my leg again, like it did before my last surgery. That is never a good sign. All the times I've had pain since surgery have been minimal and seemingly muscle spasm-related and did not involve my extremities and did not feel disc-related. This, on the other hand, feels disc-related. And this terrifies me.

There is no more laminectomy/discectomy, as I only have about 15% of my disc left. There is only fusion. Last night I got so depressed and frustrated that I felt like I wanted to give up on my life. Not suicide, but figuring out a way to be on disability and find a way to get better somehow. Because I just don't know if I can deal with this again. I feel like I've used up all my strength. I know that it could be much worse; that I can even limp to the bathroom is a fortunate thing compared to things that other people are going through. I hate the self-centeredness that comes with this pain. I hate that makes me dwell on my own shit while people are getting annihilated in Gaza.

I'm at work right now because there is no one else to do the work and I've only worked one day since the 17th, not because of my back but because our office has been closed due to the weather. I'm just going to slowly get through it the best I can. If you pray, please pray for me that this will be okay by the 5th, when I need to return to school.

I don't know what else to do. How else to be.

The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
The last time that I read any Russian literature was in high school, and it was the better-knowns like Crime and Punishment or The Metamorphosis. My boyfriend studies Russian and came home with a recommendation for this, and I finally got around to reading it. Bulgakov is funny as hell (ha!) and I really enjoyed this story, which offered another side to the traditional feuding between the dark and light. I'm afraid I probably didn't understand its more nuanced parts, thanks to such little background in Russian history and a failure to know Faust, a strong influence on this work, but even in a solely entertainment-oriented way it was a dreamy, scary trip. A few times, I seriously found myself in that state of mind you get into when you read horror on a dark-and-stormy night, like, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea, given the likely impending nightmares."


View all my reviews.

A rare public post -

A local woman is trying to gather some money and supplies for a holiday dinner for homeless youth in Seattle. I can't contribute much this year, as money is so tight, but we're in a better place than others, and for that I am thankful.

If you'd like to contribute somehow, take a look. If you're a crafty person or getting rid of things, she's also gathering warm stuff like mittens, hats, clothes, and other supplies for the kids.

Scene this morning in the elevator, as I am arriving at school to take a final.

Old lady: We're all going to the Plaza! [sees me hit G for the ground floor, which is where the cafe and the supplies stand are located, sneers.] Oh. You're going to get food.
Me: Nope, just need coffee and a blue book for my exam...
Old lady: Oh, well that's much better. [Looks me up and down.] Good luck with your test.

The fuck? So what if I am going for food? At 7:30 in the morning on the day of a final, what, am I not allowed to eat fucking breakfast?

Newsflash to the world: Yeah, I'm fat, but that still means I have to eat every day. It's not like I store sandwiches on my hips and fruit in my boobs and wrap spaghetti around my arms under my skin. Body doesn't work that way, idiots.

Some people's grandmas. Sheesh.

Of course, I don't even know why I felt the need to explain myself. I always think of things to say too late.

I really like the person I am becoming.

Exchange at tonight's Ray Lamontagne show:

Ray: So, what do you call yourselves? Seattle-ans? Seattleites?
Guy in orchestra seating: LIBERALS!
Crowd: -laughs-
Ray: Yeah, thank GOD.

The concert was great. His voice was otherworldly. It was rockin' in parts and heart-wrenching in parts. Just how I like my Raycharles Lamontagne.

I've been thinking about this scene from one of my favorite movies, Love Actually, all day.



(That's Hugh Grant as the newly-inaugurated Prime Minister, blowing off some steam at 10 Downing Street.)

We totally did it.

I am amazed and proud and completely just . . .

I've never felt this way before.

god damn! georges didi-huberman rocks my world! too bad his books cost an arm and a leg...

Via amai_unmei:



No words.

I'm trying to find cheap trays made of foam in which Matt can store his Warhammer 40K miniatures ("foam figure trays") and keep getting advertisements for "full-figured foam padded bra." Hee.

If I won the lottery and they found a way to make this car run on something that was good for the environment and still look so bad-ass, I would want it. In fact, as it stands I would not kick it out of bed for rocking crackers: I want it even now. IN BLACK, of course -- it annoys me that I can't seem to make it show you black as a default. With black tinted windows. I would make it play "Back in Black" when I honked the horn.

(I wouldn't really, but in my head somewhere I am that girl. God, that car is beautiful. Maybe it reminds me of riding around in muscle cars with the Del Mar boys when I was in high school.)

Still not much is going on.

Bellingham was fucking lovely. Mjark had given me a budget with which to descend upon Display & Costume and buy costuming props. I didn't have any prompting, other than the following, which I will post here because LJ does this cute little "quotes" thing when I blockquote stuff:

From Display & Costume, any of the following they have on hand, in
quantities of 2 to 4 (and I will reimburse for all of this):
tiaras
feather boas
peacock feathers
costume jewelry of the clustered-diamond-bracelet/necklace variety
especially
Mardi Gras beads
nurses' caps
fake glasses
lorgnettes
long gloves
plume pens
false eyelashes
lace kerchiefs

When I pressed further, I got:

Basically the bulk of this is intended to provide flexible accoutrements
for the portrayal of, say, some debauched second-string Central-European
princesses between the late 1700s and maybe 1939, 1958 at the latest.
Some of the stuff is for less specific characterization -- the nurses'
caps, for example -- that may come in handy. Wigs would be on the list,
but they're SO particular...not to mention pricey...so headdressy stuff
may have to suffice (unless of course you see some Just Right wigs that
are $50 or less each).

ASK ME A HARD ONE!

So I had a great time at Display and Costume, after some consultation with the lovely Acataphasia Grey, who has an eye for such things and would certainly have been included in the weekend's fun had she been able to get away. She told me the things that she would be able to put together herself (including costume jewelry with paste jewels (MADE OF GLASS NOT PLASTIC THANK YOU BECAUSE THEY SHINE BETTER) and cardboard. I went to D&C on the night of the huge storm in Seattle and just ran through the aisles putting things willy-nilly into my basket, especially since Cat had warned me off the more expensive stuff (the fake jewels, in particular). I already had some Mardi Gras beads and feathered masks, so I brought those up too. I'm still gathering stuff to bring. I almost bought the pink Marie Antoinette wig but it was looking rather shaggy. I thought it might work for a while, but I don't think Mjark meant THAT second-string, so I gave it a pass, especially at $45. That's wot the internet is for!

As soon as I got to Bellingham on Friday afternoon we started pawing through the $291 score that I brought from Display and Costume. And then Mjark told me the details -- that we're going to be doing some historical reenactment à la Little Me, which Mjark loves and which is fucking amazing and great and you should get it from the library because it is hilarious. It is by Patrick Dennis, who wrote Auntie Mame (which I have still managed not to see, saving it as I have been for desolina).

So then things got out of hand and we took pictures. I don't have the JPEGs because I think Mjark is saving those for his projects but of course he's mailed me contact sheets of all the pictures.

Then we went and watched the fireworks from somewhere not too far from his house, but because we were already dressed up we each decided to go in the generic black eye-masks and cheap fake pearls we were wearing at the time. I'm sure Bellingham thought we were amusing! At least I did.

Later that night, we watched The Cockettes, which I find difficult to describe but which informed much of our weekend, and which I highly recommend to anyone.

The next day was pretty low-key, though we did hit a Salvation Army, where we found a choir robe and some terribly funny hats and a lot of stuff that was useless. Although we did find an old suitcase that was suitably aesthetically appropriate to hold all of the costuming supplies.

Then we went to Fred Meyer, at about 10PM, where our receipt listed the following items:

- facial cleansing pads
- men's underwear
- fishing line
- coat racks
- hairbrush
- a shitload of makeup
- plastic headband
- eye makeup remover
- Diet Coke
- curly bows
- hand mirror

Our checker commented on our loot, which of course tickled us.

All in all it was a great weekend. And Ian is coming to town in a few weeks, from Paris, and I've taken a few days' vacation from work so we can all go up there. I'm so excited! This time Cat will be able to make it (she was too exhausted from travelling to come with me this time).

That's all for now; more as the project(s) progress.